Jesse 10

Excerpts from Jesse’s written Journal:

Day: happy

Year: bright

Season: warmer

Continuation from the post before…

After he’d said he loved me. He’d held me. God it was a wonderful feeling. It seemed to end too quickly though. We needed to get Rapier healed so my sister wouldn’t be broken. He was inside. Janus and I made our way to go see him. We’d passed Aurora’s tiger, who I thought was dead, and Janus stopped. The cat is still alive," he said softly, "Barely. But you can't tell Thousand Faces, she'll try to heal it, and it will die." I didn’t want that to happen. I nodded and together we went to Rapier. He was grotesque. I didn’t want to look, but my eyes made me. I couldn’t pull them away. The smell of blood smacked me in the face and I had to turn away. I was going to get sick if I didn’t. I covered my nose and tried to breathe through my mouth. I could just about taste the blood in the air. I watched as Janus slit his wrist and his blood trickled down to Rapier’s mouth. I remember whimpering slightly and he looked at me, “It’s only a little painful.” Rapier latched onto Janus’s wrist and Janus hissed, “Until that happens.”

I felt worried for him. I didn’t want him to hurt. I reached out for him. I wanted to comfort him and make his pain go away. I stopped before I touched him. I didn’t know if I would help or hurt the situation. My blood is poisonous and if Rapier smelled me, he could try to latch on to me and feed. I didn’t want that.

His wounds began to heal, skin filling the wounds he’d had. It was sick to watch, but I couldn’t pull myself away. To took a little while for him to stop groaning in pain and be normal again. The instant he saw me, I could feel the rage rolling off of him. I shrunk back when he screamed, "I'll kill you! Where's Thousand Faces? I'll take you both on!" I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want him to hate me. I had so much to make up for and there was so much anger still left in him. I felt like crying. If I could have gone back in the past and stopped myself I would. I hated what I had done. I looked away so he wouldn’t see my tears.

"Rapier, I'm here, calm down, its all over. We are going to take you to Page."

Janus had handed Rapier his two swords. I felt like I was going to choke. My heart thumped in my chest. I could just imagine him jumping from the coffin and slicing me to ribbons. Its what I would have done if I had been in his position.

"A sign of goodwill." I felt much too close to him. Much, much too close to him. He was mad, and now armed and therefore dangerous. I know he didn’t mean to, but I felt like Janus was placing me on the chopping block. Would he protect me if Rapier came after me? I couldn’t do it. He was strong and I wasn’t sure if I could beat him. Now, because I didn’t have the baby, there would be no reason for him not to hurt me. To kill me. Page and I had fought and she had opened my eyes…but Rapier was different. Rapier was new. He had a completely different set of rules and feelings towards me. He and his anger frightened me.

“I’ll believe you.” He’d tried to get up and fallen forward. He grabbed me and I felt myself stiffen, waiting for the impending strike I anticipated coming. Nothing. My eyes opened slightly, having closed when I thought he was going to hit me and I looked at him. He looked weakened. I wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling an arm over my shoulders. I didn’t want him falling on his face and I couldn’t completely carry him to Page. Walking with him that close, with his sword poking me in the side…it amazed me I didn’t tremble. I didn’t want to die. I had just gotten my life back. I had more to do to make up for the trouble I had caused, but I was willing to work forever to do that.

Janus and Rapier talked. Janus helped me take some of Rapier’s weight, making it easier to move. "So she beat you?" Janus had asked.

"She was amazing Janus. She could kill you."

"She nearly did." I looked at him. He told me he knew her, but not that they had fought. I didn’t want to see them fight ever. I couldn’t.

"I'm so astounded… I lost bad too…"

“She puts her heart into everything when a loved one is injured.” I almost whispered. I was still afraid that he would change his mind about not killing me. “That Tiger…wasn’t just a tiger.”

He hadn’t known that. He felt bad for having killed him. I wanted to show him that he didn’t need to hate me. “He isn’t completely dead.” It would clear his conscious a little. Maybe…it would help? There was silence until we reached Page’s house. Janus looked at me, asking if I wanted to go in. I nodded out of reflex and then I thought about it. She’d left before I’d thought completely. She still hated me too. And seeing Rapier like this…she’d assume I did it. She had to know. She had to know my choice and hear everything I had to tell her. I nodded again, this time more firmly. There was no turning back. We got to the door and Rapier loudly called for her, none of us being able to knock. The door swung open and she stood there, looking at us.

She reached out, cradling Rapier to her, and when Janus and I both let go she stumbled back. I ran forward, helping her get his weight to the couch. She turned to Janus inviting him in and then her gaze fell on me, hard and hating. I felt cold under her stare. She studied me. I wanted to tell her I had changed. I was sorry. I wanted to tell her I wanted my family back…and I wanted to be her friend and her sister again. Her eyes seemed to soften and she smiled at me.

“Welcome back Jesse…I missed you.” My heart beat lighter at hearing that. She knew. She could feel it. My sister was accepting me back.

"She beat me bad, Page," he said softly, "She'd have killed you."

“Shh. No more now, rest.” She had said softly. I watched her tend to him, comfort him and wondered if Janus would ever let me do that. I doubted it. He would never get hurt enough to have a need for me to do that. Page rested Rapier’s head in her lap. He would let me do that. At least I hoped so.

Janus excused himself and left me alone with them. I felt awkward, treading on a precious moment shared between lovers. “Relay my thanks to the mage for not killing him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him, again.” Page had spoken gently after Rapier had calmed. I nodded.

“I don’t know if she’ll be too happy to hear he survived, but I’ll relay your thanks none-the-less. I just wanted to make sure he got home as well, I’ll be off.” I didn’t want to impose on their time anymore. I turned to leave and heard Page begin to hum the lullaby our mother would sing to us. The words engrained in my mind. I paused at the door and looked back at them. I had been foolish to try to break them. Their love was so pure…it couldn’t be broken. They needed each other to survive.

I took Janus’s arm when I got out side. "Well, that just leaves Thousand Faces." Aurora…I didn’t know what there was I could do for her. She was so broken. How was I supposed to fix things for her? "I think you should do that alone," he said, "If you need me, say my name three times, okay?" He kissed me then and I gripped him as if the world were ending. I didn’t want him to leave me here alone. The kiss ended and he was gone. I looked around. Maybe he was only playing with me? He was somewhere around the corner and hadn’t really left? I grimaced. He was gone gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

“You are so mean…” I made my way into the house where I had left her. I found her, in the exact position I had left her, with the exact same expression. I knelt down next to her and cradled her head in my lap. I stroked her hair, maybe if she felt me there she would come back to me. I needed her still. She didn’t move. Not a muscle twitch not an eyelash flutter. “Aurora. Aurora, you need to come back. I need you to come back.” I had to be honest. Maybe if she heard my voice it would penetrate to the darkness in her mind she had hidden. She had tried to look at me and then fell limply like a ragdoll. I couldn’t help but groan. I needed her. Didn’t she understand? “Aurora, I need you. I don’t want you to leave me too.” I had cried and a tear slipped down my cheek landing on hers. “I love you Aurora, please. Wake up.” Her eyes moved and looked at me. The heartbreak was there. It tore me up to see it. I wanted to help her. I wanted to make her feel as happy as I felt. I didn’t know how. It was so hard. Like when a child tries to comfort a mother…they feel so helpless seeing Mommy cry…but they want to help. They just don’t know how.

Her hand came up and stroked my cheek. She was looking for something. “What are you looking for?” I had asked her. I wasn’t sure if she would answer me, but it was worth a try. I smiled at seeing her responding and her fingers landed on my lips. She opened her eyes wide and studied my smile. I didn’t want her to leave me again. She smiled and I felt my heart thud happily in my chest. She was coming back to me. Tears sprang to my eyes. I’d felt like I lost her…so alone. “You can’t leave me. You promised you’d never leave me.” I hugged her tightly not wanting her to leave me ever. I needed to feel her responding, even if it was just a little bit, “I don’t want you to leave me.”

She’d smiled and then the smile melted to a frown as she pointed to the room the tiger was in. What could I tell her? If I told her he was still alive she would try to heal him and he would die. If I told her he was dead and then he survived she would be angry with me for lying to her, especially about this. “I know, everything will be alright. I promise. Things will get better. Don’t despair.” She gave me a weak hug and a kiss on the cheek. I knew she was trying. I could feel it. I said a silent prayer, hoping that everything would be alright. I needed everything to be alright. I released her and gathered our things together, Janus would be around to take us home. I was nervous…I was going to his home to stay forever, not as a guest, but as his lover. He arrived and we left to go to my new home.

-Jesse