Sunday, November 11, 2007

Jesse 9

Excerpts from Jesse’s written Journal:

Day: happy

Year: bright

Season: warmer

I said it today…the three words I never knew I could feel or say. It was very humbling. I was afraid. I love you.

I’d been inside when I’d heard that wretched woman, who I had found in Janus’s bed, yelling outside. I couldn’t make out what was said, but I was curious. If she was here that meant Janus was here. My heart pounded at the thought of Janus being close. My heart, for some reason, always pounds at the thought of Janus. I threw open the door in time to watch her slap him hard enough to send a tear arching into the sky to fall onto the cement. The fact that she hit him, alone, was enough to make me rage inside. I protect what I care about, and even though he may not have wanted my protection from her, I couldn’t help it.

I walked up to her and tapped her shoulder, getting her attention. The minute my eyes landed on her face, so did the back of my hand. It felt so good to do that. “Hurts, don’t it?” I remember hearing my voice say. I took a step to the side, coming closer to Janus, and making it harder to look in his face. I didn’t want to see him be angry with me until it was done and I’d done what was needed. I didn’t want to see him be heart broken of the treatment I gave her. She’d asked me what I was doing…and I’m a smart a$$ I know this. I couldn’t help the retort that sprang from my lips. She yelled and called me a stupid bitch which, when it came to Janus was true. I did a lot of stupid things around him. I couldn’t help but feel like a brainless idiot sometimes whenever I was in his presence. She also made a reference to resembling my sister and another harsh retort popped out. She’d turned to Janus and her words ring clear in my head even now.

"Janus, you are to remove me from your room, immediately. If you're going to keep company with her, you can't keep company with me."

I wanted to scream that that would be fine. He wouldn’t need her if he had me…but I didn’t even know if he wanted me. I didn’t even know if he would even care to have me. If the idea had passed through his mind. It had passed through mine, many times, I admit. He nodded and for the first time since I’d struck her I looked at him. A tear passed down his cheek and I thought I felt my heart break in my chest. I didn’t want to cause him pain. If he wanted her…I wanted him to be happy. He’d agreed, but was still crying. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to tell him I would be enough, I could be what ever he wanted me to…but I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to tell him he didn’t have to make her leave if he didn’t want her to. I wanted to tell her to grow up and not put him in such a position. But that’s what I was doing…wasn’t it? I put my heart on the line and was making him chose between mine and hers. I stayed silent. They both disappeared, and I wondered if he would come back. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t come back. Who would want me? After everything I had done…to everyone, to myself. I was brazen to think he would even want me coming to his affairs.

He’d come back not long after, but to me it had felt like an eternity. He’d shocked me by coming back without her. I’m sure my eyes reflected the awe and wonder when I looked at him. Why would he give her up for me? Had she just refused to forgive and forget? Had he really wanted me? I had so many questions I wanted to ask him. I stayed silent. He looked different. I felt like I was looking at him for the first time again, like that night six years ago. I smiled at remembering how kind he had been, the flower popping into my mind. Briefly I wondered if he kept it. Suddenly my heart pounded and, I wanted to kick myself, I felt timid. I dropped my eyes. I couldn’t look at him anymore.

“Say something?” He’d asked me.

“What would you have me say?” There was so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to do.

"I don't own you, you say what you need to say." The words stuck in my throat. I couldn’t. I didn’t know if he felt the same. I didn’t know if he would push me away. I didn’t know if he was even thinking about that at all.

I couldn’t say those words. They were taboo. They got you into trouble. I drew close to him and slowly, gently wrapped my arms around him. He could push me away if he wanted to. “I have no words to say…”

"Than speak in a different way." I didn’t know what that meant. Did that mean hold him, kiss him, love him physically? I was already holding him and it seemed like he really didn’t care. He laughed when I looked at him and my confusion got even worse. “Your sister is so dumb.” Why would he bring her up know? Why? I don’t understand. I felt the need to protect her…

“She can be. Other times, she can be quite smart…”

"Then say something," he was pleading with me.

“What is it you want me to say?” That didn’t seem right. That wasn’t what I meant. “No, what is it you want to hear?” I smiled. If he would just tell me he wanted me to say it…I’d say it a million times over just to make him happy.

"I would not put words in your mouth," Didn’t he know they were already there? They just needed to know it was them he wished to hear.

I took a deep breath. I wanted to say them too badly. “I…” I faltered. If grandfather had been there he would have been most angry. He waited patiently, prompting with only a simple ‘you?’ Another deep breath, “I love you.” He smiled and hugged me tighter.

“There was that so hard?” Did he not understand what I had just done? Was he not going to say it back? I felt foolish. I felt my face turning red in embarrassment and the timid nature still wouldn’t leave me. Fear gnawed away at my insides. Please…say it. I’d told him it was hard. It was a weakness…I was never supposed to admit a weakness.

"Love… Love is never a weakness. Compassion, Caring for your fellow people is a strength. Can it be used against you? Someday. Will you ever regret it, No." He’d explained softly. Something was off. I could feel it. I wasn’t sure if it was because I’d said it. He still hadn’t returned any kind of sign that he reciprocated my feelings and I was beginning to feel ill. He didn’t care for me. I’d laid everything out for him and he wasn’t going to respond. Maybe he didn’t realize that I meant them. He’d always been one to question me about the effects of my grandfather’s raising. Maybe I couldn’t really feel love?

“I’m learning to believe that…” I felt sick as I guided him down and stretched up to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him. Don’t misunderstand me. It was just that my love for him burned so brightly inside me that the thought he might try to extinguish it made my stomach turn. I wanted him to love me back. I wanted him to say it. I wanted him to hold me and teach me all the things I had yet to really experience with a heart. When the kiss ended he had a smile on his face. That made me feel better.

“Jesse,” he’d started softly, “I love you too…” My heart fluttered as did my stomach. I felt dizzy slightly. The sickness in my stomach had vanished and all I felt was happy. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and have him hold me and kiss me forever. I wanted him to be mine as much as I was his…and with those simple words he’d made everything come true. I felt all the tension in my body disappear as he held me.

”I was afraid you weren’t going to say it.” I said as I rested on him, holding him while he held me.

"Its funny how a stubborn young woman, can grow on your heart over the course of six years." He held me tightly. I never wanted to let go. There is more, but I’m tiring and will write about that in the next entry. So for tonight I bid you Adieu and many pleasant dreams.



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