Excerpts from Jesse’s written journal:
I’ve never wanted to connect with someone as badly as I wanted to connect with Janus. I mean, I’m no innocent, but I’ve never really done it for the connection. I wanted the connection with him. I love him.
The first time I tried, I don’t think I was very successful. I mean I know I wasn’t. We didn’t do anything. It took me a long while to be used to the holding and the tenderness he gave me. Again, I’m no innocent, and I’ve never loved anyone before, so feeling all the contact with the love behind it…Frankly it made me feel awkward. I’ve never felt so awkward. Not even when I was growing from a child to a young woman. But when he would kiss me, my stomach would flip inside me and my heart would feel like it was trying to beat its way from my chest. Once, when our kisses seemed to get heated, I actually felt myself get short of breath! Never have I been affected by a man like this before. Love is a crazy emotion. But back to my first attempt. I didn’t do anything physical. I wanted him to come to me, so I knew it was what he wanted. If we started physical…what guy wouldn’t just go along with it? I didn’t want there to be any regrets. No regrets that he wanted to wait, no worries that he’d pushed me or over stepped. I wanted this.
I started off slow, subtle. I wore clothes I knew he liked. Things that when I wore them, I could feel his eyes on me all the time. I did up my hair, showing my neck to him. I know it sounds stupid, but to a wolf, besides the actual bare body, the neck is a very stimulating part. It’s the part bared when submitting. One of the weakest points of the body. I figured, if a wolf likes it, why wouldn’t a vampire? Isn’t it the point on a person that they tend to feed? A place where they can draw on their life blood in a very intimate way?
He’d once told me that I had very beautiful eyes, and that he liked it when I didn’t wear so much make up. He could see my face better without it. He could see my eyes more clearly. So, I wore barely any make up. Some light liner around my eyes, just to draw the attention to them but that was it.
I spent the day close to him. If he went somewhere, I followed. We spent most of the day in the library. He moved around as if he was agitated all day. I didn’t know what to do. Maybe this was a bad idea? I was so confused. I’d never agitated a man before.
To soothe him I walked up to him, when he was sitting at his desk writing something on papers and reading through books, and offered to get him something to eat or drink. He stiffened at my touch and softly told me there was nothing he needed from the kitchen. I nodded once and went back to my seat. I sat for a while pondering what to do. Maybe we had different ideas of love? Or maybe…I didn’t know exactly how love worked? I mean, I’d read books, but the two or three sappy novels I’d gotten from my sister were hardly a portrayal of life. Maybe those who were in true love, didn’t need the physical things I wanted. Does that make me a bad person? I love him dearly, but…am I asking things of him that I shouldn’t be.
So frustrated and on the brink of tears I stood, his eyes came to me. “I’m sorry…I’ll go.” I said quickly before I literally ran from the library. I heard him call me back, and heard him get up from his seat, but I was already up the first flight of stairs, starting up the second to find a room to hide in until it grew dark. I hid in a room at the end of the corridor, farthest away from our room. I wanted to put as much distance between us. Something about me was not right with him. I couldn’t get my message through. I was asking something of him he didn’t want from me. I locked the door and sat in a corner of the room, wedged between a big wooden dresser and the small end table at the side of the bed. I heard him at the door. If he had really wanted to get in he could have. I don’t know if he didn’t because he really didn’t want to get in or because he was respecting the space I wanted.
“Jesse. Jesse, open the door, let me in please?” His voice soft, confused. I shook my head, my arms wrapped around me as I pressed myself closer to the wall.
“Janus…please. Go back to the library.” I called. I think he could hear the tears in my voice. I’d messed up badly.
“I’m sorry Jesse. Please, let me in.”
“No, Janus. Don’t apologize. Just please…go back to the library. I’ll come down I promise.” I didn’t hear anymore from him. I sat for a few more minutes, trying to calm myself. I had to control myself. I wanted to wait until dark, so I could change into pajamas and crawl into bed and forget today had happened. I moved to the door and peeked through the eyehole. He wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I couldn’t smell him anywhere either. Silently I unlocked the door. It was getting dark. I made my way quietly down to the ground floor and stood outside the door to the library. He was inside. I could hear him. He didn’t really have to do anything and I could hear him. Actually, not so much hear as just sense. I could sense when he was around me now. When he was near me or not. I slipped past the door and made my way into our room. I changed out of my clothes, a jean skirt that barely touched the middle of my thighs, and a tight cotton jade green long sleeve shirt, and put on pjs. I slipped into our bed and felt a wave a tears hit me. The bed smelled like him and made me want him. Not even to sleep with, just to hold me. I missed being held. He hadn’t touched me at all today. He hadn’t looked me in the eyes either. I could feel his eyes on me through out the day, but every time I tried to look at him and catch his eyes, he looked away. I missed his touch. I must have slipped into a half sleeping state, because the next thing I registered was his arms coming around me and holding me close from behind. I clung to his arms, pressing them into me, asking him without words to hold me tighter. He moved and placed a kiss to my cheek, still holding me.
“Jesse, what’s the matter?”
“I’m sorry. I am a bad person. I needed to be alone. I needed to think.” I could feel his confusion.
“Jesse…what makes you a bad person?” I shook my head.
“I want things I shouldn’t want. I ask things of you that you don’t want to give me.” I said softly.
“What could you want that I don’t want to give you?”
“You…” I whispered. I felt a hot tear leak from my eye and wiped it away on the pillow below my head.
“Oh, Jesse.” He hugged me and nuzzled my neck with his face gently. I was so confused. Why was he not pushing me away? Why wasn’t he telling me that it was alright? I didn’t know what his actions meant. “That does not make you a bad person.”
“Shh, now Jesse. Get some sleep. I’m sure tomorrow will be better. Just relax and get some sleep.” I felt him relax around me. He was still going to sleep with me. He was still going to hold me. I smiled and shut my eyes.
I woke the next morning and he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I looked at the night stand, trying to gauge what time it was from the clock. I saw a bunch of flowers. A bunch of black roses tied together with a delicate ribbon. I sat up and picked up the bunch and sniffed them. They were fresh. That is one of the reasons I love this man. Even when I mess up, or I do something wrong, he still goes out of his way to do sweet things for me, and make me feel loved. I climbed from bed, not bothering with my hair. I simply brushed it and let it fall about my shoulders. I didn’t put any make up on. I wasn’t going to agitate him again today. I wanted him to be happy. It hurt me when he was unhappy. I dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. I made my way into the foyer, and could feel Janus in the library. I smiled and made my way inside. When he looked up and saw it was me, he got up from his desk and walked over to me, wrapping me in a big hug. I wrapped my arms around him, wondering what had given him such a good mood this morning. He led me towards the couch and then laid down, pulling me to rest on top of him. We cuddled like that for I don’t know how long, but I loved every minute of it. Having him close to me always made me happy, and I never wanted it to end. After a while he looked at me. “Do you want to go for a walk through the garden?” I nodded and we got up and walked outside. The day was so beautiful. We walked through the garden, and he showed me all the different types of plants around the grounds.
I heard water and asked him about it. There was a small stream on the grounds and he led me to the water side. A blanket was spread out and a picnic was set. I gave a happy giggle and hugged him. We sat down and spent the rest of the day talking by water side. The water was cold, but felt good when I put my feet in it. I splashed him a little and he splashed me. It was a good day.
As the sun set we made our way back inside. After the sun set, we cuddled near the fire in the library again. It was late before I started to yawn. He carried me to bed and it made me smile and giggle. He laid me on the bed and crawled in next to me, wrapping his arms around me. I smiled and whispered softly, “Shouldn’t we change into pajamas? Or am I to sleep in my jeans because you do not want to let me go?”
With a laugh I looked at him, “No to what? The sleeping in pajamas or the wearing jeans?” He gave me a sly grin that made my breath hitch and my body grow warm.
“Both…” He whispered and kissed my lips. These were not the normal innocent kisses before we shut out the lights and went to sleep. These kisses made my body burn and ache for him. I whimpered and looked at him when his lips drew away. “Jesse, what’s the matter?”
“But…yesterday…” I didn’t understand.
“Yesterday we both missed signals from the other. I want to make it up now…I want to give you the things you want. I want to give you me.” I stared at him, sure I had misheard him. Not chancing it I stretched up and kissed him, my hands pushing softly at his shirt. I felt my body grow incredibly hot, and he curled closer. I assume to feel my warmth. Even without the hot covering of clothes I burned. It felt like a fever that spread from my inside out. I have never been with a man who loved me…and I found out the difference. He was attentive to me, paying homage to every inch of skin he bared. He was tender, even when he entered me, and I could tell his control was barely holding. I pulled him close, kissed his neck and breathed over his ear. I wanted all of him. He didn’t need to have such complete control when he was with me. I wasn’t going to break. I saw his control slip and then I watched his features as he pulled it back in. He wouldn’t let his control slip. He wanted this time to be sweet and soft.
He wanted this time to be what I’d never gotten. He wanted it to be making love.
My head swam like I’d never felt. I couldn’t control the moving and arching of my own body. It took on its own life and moved, complimenting him and making the pleasure soar within me. I could only pray that he felt even half as good as he made me feel. There was nothing I could do but lay pray to the feelings he instilled within me as he moved quickly over me. I held him close and the world flowered into color before my very eyes. White hot lightning ran through my veins and I couldn’t help his name as it tumbled from my lips. I knew what was happening. I’d expected some kind of release, but this…this was so intense. So unlike any other. It was so powerful, and in that moment I knew if he ever tired of me he would have to kill me. I couldn’t be without him. He stiffened and my name floated to my ears, which seemed to be filled with cotton. His arms let him down and he rested over me, not moving, his head resting on my shoulder. We laid there just clutching each other for a long while and the smile on my face never left me. I felt complete holding him. I felt complete being with him. I felt complete holding him. With a soft sigh he rolled to his side and pulled me rest on mine, facing him and his arms around me. I closed my eyes and started to drift to sleep. I don’t remember saying it, but I heard him reply with an “I love you too, Jesse. So much.” I didn’t dream that night, or at least, not any that I can remember, but I do remember the feeling of complete happiness as I slept in his arms.