Jesse 11

Excerpts from Jesse’s written Journal:

Day: happy

Year: bright

Season: warmer

Continuation from the post before…

Arriving at his home, had never been so nerve wracking. I felt jittery and nervous. Aurora was there and that made it a bit better, but there were so many unknowns. Where would I sleep? Would he make me up my own room, or have me share his? Would he hold me and be tender, or simply proceed as if nothing had happened? I didn’t know what to expect.

The first day I was there I tended to Aurora. I was thankful she needed my help and that he was giving me distance. There were so many new things going through my head. I didn’t know how to cope with them all. Towards the end of the first evening, Aurora had packed and pulled me to the foyer. Janus had passed through and stopped, not knowing what was going on. Aurora was in a form that could talk and I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. She told me to take care of the tiger’s coffin for her, then placed a kiss to my cheek and left. She said she would return soon, but I didn’t want her to leave. I was afraid. Afraid I’d never see her again, afraid I would not be able to cope with what was going on inside me. Tears sprang to my eyes as I closed the big heavy door. I rested my forehead against it, feeling Janus’s presence behind me. I didn’t want to cry. I was happy to be where I was…I really was.

Janus came up behind me and gently pulled me to him and held me while I cried. I don’t know if he knew exactly why I cried, I don’t even think I know exactly why I cried. We stood there for a long while, him holding me and me going through bouts of tears. I clung to him trembling. My tears dried and I rested my head where his heart should have been beating. The foyer was dimly lit and I could tell it had grown dark outside. Crying had exhausted me and my legs fought to keep me upright. He swept me up in his arms and walked into his bedroom. I stiffened when he laid me down on the bed. Gently he stroked my cheek, “Sleep now Jesse.” He smiled, and in the lack of light it seemed like a sad smile. He moved to stand and I felt lacking and cold. I was nervous about what was to come, but I wanted him to be with me. I grabbed the front of his shirt in a loose fist and he stopped. He looked at me confused.

“Stay with me. Please.” I said softly, almost inaudibly. He smiled, detached my hand from his shirt and moved to lay behind me. Just lay. I felt a breath of relief escape me. I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. I’d never been so afraid of anyone. There were so many emotions going through me, I didn’t know what to do with them. I wasn’t ready to explore them fully yet. I wanted to be with him…but I wasn’t normal yet. I needed to be comfortable with myself right? He rolled on his side and wrapped his arm around me. I felt my body stiffen and he made to draw away. I caught his wrist and forced my body to relax against his. I loved him. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted the closeness. It was all just so unfamiliar to me. I laced my fingers with his and slowly drifted to sleep. I slept well that night. Better then I had in a long, long time. I woke and realized somehow I had turned in my sleep. I was pressed against his chest, our legs tangling together, fronts pressed together and my head nestled just below his chin. My eyes fluttered open and I smiled softly. I froze. I probably looked horrid. I grimaced. I didn’t want to move, but I didn’t want him to see me looking so scary. Quietly I detached myself from him and instantly missed being held. I scampered into the bathroom and my eyes widened when I looked at myself. I had cried long and hard the night before and then went straight to sleep. I hadn’t bothered to wash off any make up. My eyes were surrounded with big black circles. I turned on the water and grabbed a dark rag, washing my face. My hair was atrocious. I pulled my fingers through it and then decided to tie it up. That took care of the messy curls I had. I dried my face and walked back into the bedroom. He wasn’t on the bed anymore. I looked around and then felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I stiffened. “G-good morning.” I said quietly.

“Good morning.” I think he could tell that I was still getting used to affection. He released me and took my hand. “Come on, lets get you some breakfast.” He fed me and we spent the day going through his mansion, acquainting me with the layout and resident spooks. I found out his home was a hotel at one time. I thought it was a bit large to be a mansion. It fit him though. I couldn’t see him in anything else. The evening we stayed in the library for the bulk of the time. I was curled up near the fireplace and he was lounging on a couch. He sat up and looked at me as I stifled a yawn. “Ready for bed Jesse?” He stood and walked towards me. I stiffened, beginning to panic a bit inside. I think he could tell.

“I’ll be in, in a few.” I looked up at him, hoping my eyes didn’t betray me. He knelt down next to me and looked at me.

“Do you feel uncomfortable around me? Do you fear me, Jesse? I will never do anything you do not want me to do.” I looked at the fire and then back at him. How could I answer those questions? It wasn’t him I feared. It wasn’t him I felt uncomfortable with. I touched his cheek gently and smiled softly when he closed his eyes and leaned into my touch.

“I am uncomfortable with all the feelings I am experiencing. I fear messing up.” His eyes opened and my stomach flipped, “I am adjusting to everything. I have never experienced being held, just to be held. Being loved. Be patient with me, please? I just need to adjust.” He smiled a sad smile.

“Would you feel better if you had a separate room?”

“No. I want to be with you.” I turned towards him. He had to understand. “Janus…” My hand fell away from his face. “Touch me.” He frowned and looked at me. “Please.” I took his wrist in my hand and pressed his palm against my cheek. Slowly his hand held itself there and I even felt his thumb stroke my cheek. I took his other hand and pressed it over my rapidly beating heart. “Do you feel my heart racing?” I looked at him and he nodded. “It races because I am unused to feeling this. It is unfamiliar to me.” I smiled softly, “I will never be used to this if you put me away from you. And I want to be used to being touched and being held by you. I want to be used to being loved by and loving you.” His other hand came up and he held my face softly.

“Alright Jesse. Alright.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. I stiffened but forced myself to relax. I needed to try to get used to it. I held his wrists loosely in my hands.

“I am quite tired…Janus.” My eyes looked into his innocently.

“Then let us retire and sleep for the night.” He took my hands and we went to sleep. I found myself unable to sleep. The feeling of him holding me made my heart race in a good way. Quietly I slipped from the bed and pulled out my journal and here I sit writing. I don’t think he was ever really asleep. I now am really quite tired and want to fall asleep in his arms so I am done for the night. Good night and many pleasant dreams.

-Jesse