Summer's Journal: Thirty-Fourth Entry

I feel numb; cold. I don’t know how much longer I can hold the contents of my stomach down. I’m shaking… I don’t know how I am forming legible words except perhaps this is a output, and without it I will be holding all of these thoughts in.

Chris, He told me he wanted to break up with me. I called his house, he answered the phone, angry, and he said, “Stop calling here!” I tried his cell, wondering if he thought I was someone else, and he sent the call straight to voicemail.

I stumbled out of my room, and I went downstairs looking for my mother. She wasn’t in the library, and her room was also empty. My hands shook as I tried to use the only part of me that was steady to pull myself up the stairs.

Tears were leaking down my eyes. I wouldn’t be okay for awhile. What hadn’t I done? What had I done? It… It had to be when I kissed him and he was asleep… He had to find out about that… Or… Maybe I didn’t tell him how I learned I could use magic.

Whatever it was… It was all my fault. If he didn’t want me, then no-one would. Except some accursed werewolf… The vampiric side of this family seems to be attracted to werewolves.

Every day, for the rest of my life with my werewolf husband, we will fight for dominance in the relationship, and if I don’t give it to him, he’ll have to take it away from me. If a vampire is the one who catches my eye, and we wed… Everynight he’ll indulge himself in my blood, until I become cold and lost for emotion because he has it all.

I’ll be a shell, and my only choice would be to be submissive to him, in hopes he won’t take anymore of my blood. Maybe I should start indulging in my vampire side. Start feeding from people…

I don’t want them to hurt him… They swore if he hurt me they would hurt him. I don’t want them to hurt him… It was my fault… If they hurt anyone it should be me. It’s all my fault.

He’s calling… He wants to make it official… I can’t talk to him right now without my makeup on. I’m going to go smudge some makeup on very quickly and talk to him –

- I’m so stupid. He was crying when he answered the phone, he was apologizing to me. He didn’t even give me a chance to talk at first. He sounded like he was hiding too. He tried to explain through the apologies and tears.

“Chris, please calm down…” “I can’t,” he said, “I can’t imagine what you thought.” I spoke softly, “Horrible things, Chris… I thought you hated me.” He was trying not to cry anymore, “No” was all he could get out.

“Chris, please, don’t cry.” I searched my bed for a cloth and I wiped off my makeup. A tear dropped down my cheek, “Sweetie… Please…” Chris took a deep breath, “Summer, you don’t understand. Here at home. You can’t call my home phone again… I was angry at my family when I answered. So when I yelled I… I have no excuse. But, when I said that…” I spoke softly blinking tears from my eyes, “Chris… I understand… Please stop crying.” He sniffled and then took a deep breath, “I’m not crying.”

“I know…” I responded, “But if you are, sweetie, you can always cry with me.” He smiled I could tell in his voice, “I have to go, my family is getting impatient, they don’t know where I am.” I smiled because he was smiling, “Chris… I love you,” I said softly. He had said it before, and I felt odd being the one initiating it, “I love you too.”

He hung up the phone. I set my cell phone on me bed, and I’m writing the conclusion to what would have been a terribly atrocious entry for me. The Illuminati still make me very angry. And I’m still trying to figure out what happened to me involving them.

I guess its kind of confusing why I needed makeup to talk to him. But I am tired, and need to close this little book right now.

-Dawn