Jesse 11

Excerpts from Jesse’s written Journal:

Day: happy

Year: bright

Season: warmer

Continuation from the post before…

Arriving at his home, had never been so nerve wracking. I felt jittery and nervous. Aurora was there and that made it a bit better, but there were so many unknowns. Where would I sleep? Would he make me up my own room, or have me share his? Would he hold me and be tender, or simply proceed as if nothing had happened? I didn’t know what to expect.

The first day I was there I tended to Aurora. I was thankful she needed my help and that he was giving me distance. There were so many new things going through my head. I didn’t know how to cope with them all. Towards the end of the first evening, Aurora had packed and pulled me to the foyer. Janus had passed through and stopped, not knowing what was going on. Aurora was in a form that could talk and I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. She told me to take care of the tiger’s coffin for her, then placed a kiss to my cheek and left. She said she would return soon, but I didn’t want her to leave. I was afraid. Afraid I’d never see her again, afraid I would not be able to cope with what was going on inside me. Tears sprang to my eyes as I closed the big heavy door. I rested my forehead against it, feeling Janus’s presence behind me. I didn’t want to cry. I was happy to be where I was…I really was.

Janus came up behind me and gently pulled me to him and held me while I cried. I don’t know if he knew exactly why I cried, I don’t even think I know exactly why I cried. We stood there for a long while, him holding me and me going through bouts of tears. I clung to him trembling. My tears dried and I rested my head where his heart should have been beating. The foyer was dimly lit and I could tell it had grown dark outside. Crying had exhausted me and my legs fought to keep me upright. He swept me up in his arms and walked into his bedroom. I stiffened when he laid me down on the bed. Gently he stroked my cheek, “Sleep now Jesse.” He smiled, and in the lack of light it seemed like a sad smile. He moved to stand and I felt lacking and cold. I was nervous about what was to come, but I wanted him to be with me. I grabbed the front of his shirt in a loose fist and he stopped. He looked at me confused.

“Stay with me. Please.” I said softly, almost inaudibly. He smiled, detached my hand from his shirt and moved to lay behind me. Just lay. I felt a breath of relief escape me. I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. I’d never been so afraid of anyone. There were so many emotions going through me, I didn’t know what to do with them. I wasn’t ready to explore them fully yet. I wanted to be with him…but I wasn’t normal yet. I needed to be comfortable with myself right? He rolled on his side and wrapped his arm around me. I felt my body stiffen and he made to draw away. I caught his wrist and forced my body to relax against his. I loved him. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted the closeness. It was all just so unfamiliar to me. I laced my fingers with his and slowly drifted to sleep. I slept well that night. Better then I had in a long, long time. I woke and realized somehow I had turned in my sleep. I was pressed against his chest, our legs tangling together, fronts pressed together and my head nestled just below his chin. My eyes fluttered open and I smiled softly. I froze. I probably looked horrid. I grimaced. I didn’t want to move, but I didn’t want him to see me looking so scary. Quietly I detached myself from him and instantly missed being held. I scampered into the bathroom and my eyes widened when I looked at myself. I had cried long and hard the night before and then went straight to sleep. I hadn’t bothered to wash off any make up. My eyes were surrounded with big black circles. I turned on the water and grabbed a dark rag, washing my face. My hair was atrocious. I pulled my fingers through it and then decided to tie it up. That took care of the messy curls I had. I dried my face and walked back into the bedroom. He wasn’t on the bed anymore. I looked around and then felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I stiffened. “G-good morning.” I said quietly.

“Good morning.” I think he could tell that I was still getting used to affection. He released me and took my hand. “Come on, lets get you some breakfast.” He fed me and we spent the day going through his mansion, acquainting me with the layout and resident spooks. I found out his home was a hotel at one time. I thought it was a bit large to be a mansion. It fit him though. I couldn’t see him in anything else. The evening we stayed in the library for the bulk of the time. I was curled up near the fireplace and he was lounging on a couch. He sat up and looked at me as I stifled a yawn. “Ready for bed Jesse?” He stood and walked towards me. I stiffened, beginning to panic a bit inside. I think he could tell.

“I’ll be in, in a few.” I looked up at him, hoping my eyes didn’t betray me. He knelt down next to me and looked at me.

“Do you feel uncomfortable around me? Do you fear me, Jesse? I will never do anything you do not want me to do.” I looked at the fire and then back at him. How could I answer those questions? It wasn’t him I feared. It wasn’t him I felt uncomfortable with. I touched his cheek gently and smiled softly when he closed his eyes and leaned into my touch.

“I am uncomfortable with all the feelings I am experiencing. I fear messing up.” His eyes opened and my stomach flipped, “I am adjusting to everything. I have never experienced being held, just to be held. Being loved. Be patient with me, please? I just need to adjust.” He smiled a sad smile.

“Would you feel better if you had a separate room?”

“No. I want to be with you.” I turned towards him. He had to understand. “Janus…” My hand fell away from his face. “Touch me.” He frowned and looked at me. “Please.” I took his wrist in my hand and pressed his palm against my cheek. Slowly his hand held itself there and I even felt his thumb stroke my cheek. I took his other hand and pressed it over my rapidly beating heart. “Do you feel my heart racing?” I looked at him and he nodded. “It races because I am unused to feeling this. It is unfamiliar to me.” I smiled softly, “I will never be used to this if you put me away from you. And I want to be used to being touched and being held by you. I want to be used to being loved by and loving you.” His other hand came up and he held my face softly.

“Alright Jesse. Alright.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. I stiffened but forced myself to relax. I needed to try to get used to it. I held his wrists loosely in my hands.

“I am quite tired…Janus.” My eyes looked into his innocently.

“Then let us retire and sleep for the night.” He took my hands and we went to sleep. I found myself unable to sleep. The feeling of him holding me made my heart race in a good way. Quietly I slipped from the bed and pulled out my journal and here I sit writing. I don’t think he was ever really asleep. I now am really quite tired and want to fall asleep in his arms so I am done for the night. Good night and many pleasant dreams.

-Jesse

Jesse 10

Excerpts from Jesse’s written Journal:

Day: happy

Year: bright

Season: warmer

Continuation from the post before…

After he’d said he loved me. He’d held me. God it was a wonderful feeling. It seemed to end too quickly though. We needed to get Rapier healed so my sister wouldn’t be broken. He was inside. Janus and I made our way to go see him. We’d passed Aurora’s tiger, who I thought was dead, and Janus stopped. The cat is still alive," he said softly, "Barely. But you can't tell Thousand Faces, she'll try to heal it, and it will die." I didn’t want that to happen. I nodded and together we went to Rapier. He was grotesque. I didn’t want to look, but my eyes made me. I couldn’t pull them away. The smell of blood smacked me in the face and I had to turn away. I was going to get sick if I didn’t. I covered my nose and tried to breathe through my mouth. I could just about taste the blood in the air. I watched as Janus slit his wrist and his blood trickled down to Rapier’s mouth. I remember whimpering slightly and he looked at me, “It’s only a little painful.” Rapier latched onto Janus’s wrist and Janus hissed, “Until that happens.”

I felt worried for him. I didn’t want him to hurt. I reached out for him. I wanted to comfort him and make his pain go away. I stopped before I touched him. I didn’t know if I would help or hurt the situation. My blood is poisonous and if Rapier smelled me, he could try to latch on to me and feed. I didn’t want that.

His wounds began to heal, skin filling the wounds he’d had. It was sick to watch, but I couldn’t pull myself away. To took a little while for him to stop groaning in pain and be normal again. The instant he saw me, I could feel the rage rolling off of him. I shrunk back when he screamed, "I'll kill you! Where's Thousand Faces? I'll take you both on!" I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want him to hate me. I had so much to make up for and there was so much anger still left in him. I felt like crying. If I could have gone back in the past and stopped myself I would. I hated what I had done. I looked away so he wouldn’t see my tears.

"Rapier, I'm here, calm down, its all over. We are going to take you to Page."

Janus had handed Rapier his two swords. I felt like I was going to choke. My heart thumped in my chest. I could just imagine him jumping from the coffin and slicing me to ribbons. Its what I would have done if I had been in his position.

"A sign of goodwill." I felt much too close to him. Much, much too close to him. He was mad, and now armed and therefore dangerous. I know he didn’t mean to, but I felt like Janus was placing me on the chopping block. Would he protect me if Rapier came after me? I couldn’t do it. He was strong and I wasn’t sure if I could beat him. Now, because I didn’t have the baby, there would be no reason for him not to hurt me. To kill me. Page and I had fought and she had opened my eyes…but Rapier was different. Rapier was new. He had a completely different set of rules and feelings towards me. He and his anger frightened me.

“I’ll believe you.” He’d tried to get up and fallen forward. He grabbed me and I felt myself stiffen, waiting for the impending strike I anticipated coming. Nothing. My eyes opened slightly, having closed when I thought he was going to hit me and I looked at him. He looked weakened. I wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling an arm over my shoulders. I didn’t want him falling on his face and I couldn’t completely carry him to Page. Walking with him that close, with his sword poking me in the side…it amazed me I didn’t tremble. I didn’t want to die. I had just gotten my life back. I had more to do to make up for the trouble I had caused, but I was willing to work forever to do that.

Janus and Rapier talked. Janus helped me take some of Rapier’s weight, making it easier to move. "So she beat you?" Janus had asked.

"She was amazing Janus. She could kill you."

"She nearly did." I looked at him. He told me he knew her, but not that they had fought. I didn’t want to see them fight ever. I couldn’t.

"I'm so astounded… I lost bad too…"

“She puts her heart into everything when a loved one is injured.” I almost whispered. I was still afraid that he would change his mind about not killing me. “That Tiger…wasn’t just a tiger.”

He hadn’t known that. He felt bad for having killed him. I wanted to show him that he didn’t need to hate me. “He isn’t completely dead.” It would clear his conscious a little. Maybe…it would help? There was silence until we reached Page’s house. Janus looked at me, asking if I wanted to go in. I nodded out of reflex and then I thought about it. She’d left before I’d thought completely. She still hated me too. And seeing Rapier like this…she’d assume I did it. She had to know. She had to know my choice and hear everything I had to tell her. I nodded again, this time more firmly. There was no turning back. We got to the door and Rapier loudly called for her, none of us being able to knock. The door swung open and she stood there, looking at us.

She reached out, cradling Rapier to her, and when Janus and I both let go she stumbled back. I ran forward, helping her get his weight to the couch. She turned to Janus inviting him in and then her gaze fell on me, hard and hating. I felt cold under her stare. She studied me. I wanted to tell her I had changed. I was sorry. I wanted to tell her I wanted my family back…and I wanted to be her friend and her sister again. Her eyes seemed to soften and she smiled at me.

“Welcome back Jesse…I missed you.” My heart beat lighter at hearing that. She knew. She could feel it. My sister was accepting me back.

"She beat me bad, Page," he said softly, "She'd have killed you."

“Shh. No more now, rest.” She had said softly. I watched her tend to him, comfort him and wondered if Janus would ever let me do that. I doubted it. He would never get hurt enough to have a need for me to do that. Page rested Rapier’s head in her lap. He would let me do that. At least I hoped so.

Janus excused himself and left me alone with them. I felt awkward, treading on a precious moment shared between lovers. “Relay my thanks to the mage for not killing him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him, again.” Page had spoken gently after Rapier had calmed. I nodded.

“I don’t know if she’ll be too happy to hear he survived, but I’ll relay your thanks none-the-less. I just wanted to make sure he got home as well, I’ll be off.” I didn’t want to impose on their time anymore. I turned to leave and heard Page begin to hum the lullaby our mother would sing to us. The words engrained in my mind. I paused at the door and looked back at them. I had been foolish to try to break them. Their love was so pure…it couldn’t be broken. They needed each other to survive.

I took Janus’s arm when I got out side. "Well, that just leaves Thousand Faces." Aurora…I didn’t know what there was I could do for her. She was so broken. How was I supposed to fix things for her? "I think you should do that alone," he said, "If you need me, say my name three times, okay?" He kissed me then and I gripped him as if the world were ending. I didn’t want him to leave me here alone. The kiss ended and he was gone. I looked around. Maybe he was only playing with me? He was somewhere around the corner and hadn’t really left? I grimaced. He was gone gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

“You are so mean…” I made my way into the house where I had left her. I found her, in the exact position I had left her, with the exact same expression. I knelt down next to her and cradled her head in my lap. I stroked her hair, maybe if she felt me there she would come back to me. I needed her still. She didn’t move. Not a muscle twitch not an eyelash flutter. “Aurora. Aurora, you need to come back. I need you to come back.” I had to be honest. Maybe if she heard my voice it would penetrate to the darkness in her mind she had hidden. She had tried to look at me and then fell limply like a ragdoll. I couldn’t help but groan. I needed her. Didn’t she understand? “Aurora, I need you. I don’t want you to leave me too.” I had cried and a tear slipped down my cheek landing on hers. “I love you Aurora, please. Wake up.” Her eyes moved and looked at me. The heartbreak was there. It tore me up to see it. I wanted to help her. I wanted to make her feel as happy as I felt. I didn’t know how. It was so hard. Like when a child tries to comfort a mother…they feel so helpless seeing Mommy cry…but they want to help. They just don’t know how.

Her hand came up and stroked my cheek. She was looking for something. “What are you looking for?” I had asked her. I wasn’t sure if she would answer me, but it was worth a try. I smiled at seeing her responding and her fingers landed on my lips. She opened her eyes wide and studied my smile. I didn’t want her to leave me again. She smiled and I felt my heart thud happily in my chest. She was coming back to me. Tears sprang to my eyes. I’d felt like I lost her…so alone. “You can’t leave me. You promised you’d never leave me.” I hugged her tightly not wanting her to leave me ever. I needed to feel her responding, even if it was just a little bit, “I don’t want you to leave me.”

She’d smiled and then the smile melted to a frown as she pointed to the room the tiger was in. What could I tell her? If I told her he was still alive she would try to heal him and he would die. If I told her he was dead and then he survived she would be angry with me for lying to her, especially about this. “I know, everything will be alright. I promise. Things will get better. Don’t despair.” She gave me a weak hug and a kiss on the cheek. I knew she was trying. I could feel it. I said a silent prayer, hoping that everything would be alright. I needed everything to be alright. I released her and gathered our things together, Janus would be around to take us home. I was nervous…I was going to his home to stay forever, not as a guest, but as his lover. He arrived and we left to go to my new home.

-Jesse

Jesse 9

Excerpts from Jesse’s written Journal:

Day: happy

Year: bright

Season: warmer

I said it today…the three words I never knew I could feel or say. It was very humbling. I was afraid. I love you.

I’d been inside when I’d heard that wretched woman, who I had found in Janus’s bed, yelling outside. I couldn’t make out what was said, but I was curious. If she was here that meant Janus was here. My heart pounded at the thought of Janus being close. My heart, for some reason, always pounds at the thought of Janus. I threw open the door in time to watch her slap him hard enough to send a tear arching into the sky to fall onto the cement. The fact that she hit him, alone, was enough to make me rage inside. I protect what I care about, and even though he may not have wanted my protection from her, I couldn’t help it.

I walked up to her and tapped her shoulder, getting her attention. The minute my eyes landed on her face, so did the back of my hand. It felt so good to do that. “Hurts, don’t it?” I remember hearing my voice say. I took a step to the side, coming closer to Janus, and making it harder to look in his face. I didn’t want to see him be angry with me until it was done and I’d done what was needed. I didn’t want to see him be heart broken of the treatment I gave her. She’d asked me what I was doing…and I’m a smart a$$ I know this. I couldn’t help the retort that sprang from my lips. She yelled and called me a stupid bitch which, when it came to Janus was true. I did a lot of stupid things around him. I couldn’t help but feel like a brainless idiot sometimes whenever I was in his presence. She also made a reference to resembling my sister and another harsh retort popped out. She’d turned to Janus and her words ring clear in my head even now.

"Janus, you are to remove me from your room, immediately. If you're going to keep company with her, you can't keep company with me."

I wanted to scream that that would be fine. He wouldn’t need her if he had me…but I didn’t even know if he wanted me. I didn’t even know if he would even care to have me. If the idea had passed through his mind. It had passed through mine, many times, I admit. He nodded and for the first time since I’d struck her I looked at him. A tear passed down his cheek and I thought I felt my heart break in my chest. I didn’t want to cause him pain. If he wanted her…I wanted him to be happy. He’d agreed, but was still crying. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to tell him I would be enough, I could be what ever he wanted me to…but I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to tell him he didn’t have to make her leave if he didn’t want her to. I wanted to tell her to grow up and not put him in such a position. But that’s what I was doing…wasn’t it? I put my heart on the line and was making him chose between mine and hers. I stayed silent. They both disappeared, and I wondered if he would come back. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t come back. Who would want me? After everything I had done…to everyone, to myself. I was brazen to think he would even want me coming to his affairs.

He’d come back not long after, but to me it had felt like an eternity. He’d shocked me by coming back without her. I’m sure my eyes reflected the awe and wonder when I looked at him. Why would he give her up for me? Had she just refused to forgive and forget? Had he really wanted me? I had so many questions I wanted to ask him. I stayed silent. He looked different. I felt like I was looking at him for the first time again, like that night six years ago. I smiled at remembering how kind he had been, the flower popping into my mind. Briefly I wondered if he kept it. Suddenly my heart pounded and, I wanted to kick myself, I felt timid. I dropped my eyes. I couldn’t look at him anymore.

“Say something?” He’d asked me.

“What would you have me say?” There was so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to do.

"I don't own you, you say what you need to say." The words stuck in my throat. I couldn’t. I didn’t know if he felt the same. I didn’t know if he would push me away. I didn’t know if he was even thinking about that at all.

I couldn’t say those words. They were taboo. They got you into trouble. I drew close to him and slowly, gently wrapped my arms around him. He could push me away if he wanted to. “I have no words to say…”

"Than speak in a different way." I didn’t know what that meant. Did that mean hold him, kiss him, love him physically? I was already holding him and it seemed like he really didn’t care. He laughed when I looked at him and my confusion got even worse. “Your sister is so dumb.” Why would he bring her up know? Why? I don’t understand. I felt the need to protect her…

“She can be. Other times, she can be quite smart…”

"Then say something," he was pleading with me.

“What is it you want me to say?” That didn’t seem right. That wasn’t what I meant. “No, what is it you want to hear?” I smiled. If he would just tell me he wanted me to say it…I’d say it a million times over just to make him happy.

"I would not put words in your mouth," Didn’t he know they were already there? They just needed to know it was them he wished to hear.

I took a deep breath. I wanted to say them too badly. “I…” I faltered. If grandfather had been there he would have been most angry. He waited patiently, prompting with only a simple ‘you?’ Another deep breath, “I love you.” He smiled and hugged me tighter.

“There was that so hard?” Did he not understand what I had just done? Was he not going to say it back? I felt foolish. I felt my face turning red in embarrassment and the timid nature still wouldn’t leave me. Fear gnawed away at my insides. Please…say it. I’d told him it was hard. It was a weakness…I was never supposed to admit a weakness.

"Love… Love is never a weakness. Compassion, Caring for your fellow people is a strength. Can it be used against you? Someday. Will you ever regret it, No." He’d explained softly. Something was off. I could feel it. I wasn’t sure if it was because I’d said it. He still hadn’t returned any kind of sign that he reciprocated my feelings and I was beginning to feel ill. He didn’t care for me. I’d laid everything out for him and he wasn’t going to respond. Maybe he didn’t realize that I meant them. He’d always been one to question me about the effects of my grandfather’s raising. Maybe I couldn’t really feel love?

“I’m learning to believe that…” I felt sick as I guided him down and stretched up to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him. Don’t misunderstand me. It was just that my love for him burned so brightly inside me that the thought he might try to extinguish it made my stomach turn. I wanted him to love me back. I wanted him to say it. I wanted him to hold me and teach me all the things I had yet to really experience with a heart. When the kiss ended he had a smile on his face. That made me feel better.

“Jesse,” he’d started softly, “I love you too…” My heart fluttered as did my stomach. I felt dizzy slightly. The sickness in my stomach had vanished and all I felt was happy. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and have him hold me and kiss me forever. I wanted him to be mine as much as I was his…and with those simple words he’d made everything come true. I felt all the tension in my body disappear as he held me.

”I was afraid you weren’t going to say it.” I said as I rested on him, holding him while he held me.

"Its funny how a stubborn young woman, can grow on your heart over the course of six years." He held me tightly. I never wanted to let go. There is more, but I’m tiring and will write about that in the next entry. So for tonight I bid you Adieu and many pleasant dreams.

-Jesse